Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Anti-Cookie

If there were such a thing as an anti-cookie, Dan Uggla has earned it. With a chance to highlight the Marlins' surprising season on national TV, Uggla entered the All-Star game in the bottom of the sixth as a defensive replacement. His night:

Bottom sixth: Caught pop-up off bat of Joe Crede for the second out.
Top eighth: Struck out swinging with go-ahead runner on first.
Top tenth: With two on and one out, grounded into a 4-6-3 double play
Bottom tenth: Botches an easy grounder to allow Michael Young to reach leading off
Bottom tenth: Next batter, Carlos Quentin, also hits one to Uggla, and it bounces off his chest for another error.
Bottom tenth: The very next batter hits another one to Uggla, and with the bases loaded Uggla takes his sweet time throwing home, allowing Sizemore to reach base, re-loading the bases.
Top twelfth: Uggla strikes out looking on three pitches, including getting frozen on a 67-mph curveball from Joakim Soria.
Bottom twelfth: Uggla manages to not screw up, getting Grady Sizemore on a ground out despite not catching the ball cleanly.
Bottom thirteenth: J.D. Drew reaches on Uggla's third fielding error, which sets an All-Star game record.
Top fifteenth: Uggla manages to get to four pitches this time but strikes out on a 93-mph fastball from Scott Kazmir.

So, Uggla had five ground balls hit to him, and he fielded none of them cleanly. He batted four times and failed miserably each time. Sure, none of the errors actually resulted in runs for the AL and the NL managed to score runs in two of the innings where Uggla batted. Still, for such an epic breakdown on a national stage, we shall reward him with the first ever Food Lion Anti-Cookie (Definitely Not Sponsored by Food Lion). If I could follow him around all day giving him the sarcastic slow-clap, I would.

Also, to the National League: thanks for playing. Your inferiority is unparalleled.

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